Aspriing Musician Boyfriend Won't Hold Down Job

Uncle Jim, I love my boyfriend very much. He is gentle with our kids and me, he doesn't womanize, and he helps around the house. In fact he does most of everything, the cooking and the laundry and the cleaning, because I'm the only one with a steady job. 

My boyfriend is an aspring musician, he plays guitar and is the lead singer of a rock band, and he writes all the songs. When we met it was love at first sight for me, on stage he is divine, and when he sings for me quietly at night, it makes my heart melt. 

The only problem is that this has been going on for 9 years, and we have bills to pay. I don't make much as a bartender. My boyfriend has a college degree and would make much more if only he would hold down a job for once. But he spends all of his time perfecting his art. He keeps promising me that it will pay off one day but I'm not so sure anymore. I love him but when I think about the future of our daughters I'm thinking maybe I should hook up with someone who can pay the rent. 

But then he looks at me the way he does and asks me if I believe in him, and I rmember I said yes when we decided to have kids, I find it hard to say otherwise now. I don't know what to do anymore.

Sarah, TN

Well, Sarah, this is not an unusual case. Many couples, especially in the big cities, have one member aspiring to be a dancer, an artist, a writer, and so on. Statistically, most people don't make it big, so in most cases the dream stays a dream.

What you need to do is simple. Give your boyfriend an ultimatum. It can be in the form of a deadline - if you don't get a record deal by DATE, then you gotta promise me you will relegate your music to a hobby and worry about a career.

The best way to do it would be to put his talent to the test. Select a competition, which he has to win. If he wins it, you will continue to support his dream to become a rock star. If he doesn't win it, it's time to get a job with long-term opportunities to advance to middle management. He has to agree to this. If he doesn't agree, you walk out. If he agrees, but loses and reneges, you're out. You ned to make these conditions crystal clear, but without hostility. It won't hurt to cry a little.

Try to find a suitable national or regional competition. You could also say, he has to get to the final stages of American Idol, or something like that. Work it out between the two of you, hammer out a deal, and ideally you should put it in writing and both sign it, laminate it, and stick it to the kitchen fridge.

Either way, you get what you want. If he wins the competition, he will go on to make money in music. If he loses, he settles down into a regular job.